Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh

This list seems to suggest that I’m not much into novels. It’s not true: I’ve read hundreds of them. It’s just that these recent months have been more of a “not fiction” period for me. Let’s talk about a novel then, for a change.
This is a cult. Everybody has seen the movie. I’m not gonna get into the typical dispute: “The book is better!”, “No, the movie is!” What I can say is that they surely are quite different.

Yeah, I understand...actually, hold on...hmm...no, I didn't get it! - Philippines

This message was written on a wall in Puerto Princesa. Not sure what that means.

We're watching a program on a Philippines TV channel: a beautiful and fast-speaking lady is interviewing two students at some event. She speaks English as if it was her mother tongue, with a heavy American accent, maybe too heavily American.
I'm not surprised, a lot of Filipinos, especially the well educated ones, speak English like this. Many of them might use the sound P instead of the F one, so that a coffee and a copy sound pretty much the same, but the level is still very good. 
Back to the TV program. The students answer the first question in English, with ease. The lady proceeds with a second question, and her accent sounds more and more nauseating. Surprisingly the two girls answer in Tagalog, the official language, or rather the other official language, as English is also widely used: in the airport announcements, ad signs, TV programs etc.

Lingua Franca/2 - From Hua Hin to Koh Phayam, Thailand

My friend IZ holding a mini praying mantis on his wrist in Koh Phayam

Besides German speaking Europe Italian can work as a Lingua Franca in S.E. Asia as well. 

We're in Hua Hin, in the Gulf of Siam, two or three hours south of Bangkok. A little restaurant with a terrace on the sea, fish on the dishes in front of us. We're having dinner with a group of Zurichers and, as usual, at least two of them are able to speak almost perfect Italian. Switzerland is funny place: all those official languages and not even one that unifies it, the people sometimes forced to speak English among them. I find them fascinating, but they don't surprise me anymore. 

A few hours later, while we're waiting for the bus to Ranong, a guy asks me if I know something about the bus to Phuket, which is already quite late. He spoke Italian correctly, there is some noise and I haven't been able to focus on his accent. It turns out that he's English, from Cornwall. He lived in Caserta and Ravenna for many months. He remembers that at the beginning he even used to speak with a Neapolitan accent.

Lingua franca - Zurich, Switzerland

Even though my brother has been living in Zurich for years, he's never been able to learn German the proper way. He can say a few things, ask questions, tackle some basic conversation, little more than that. There are many reasons for this: he's often abroad and, even when he's in Switzerland, he only speaks English with his colleagues. Secondly, in Switzerland they don't speak "official" German but some sort of "mountain" dialect, not too easy to understand. There is also another reason why he never really studied the local language thoroughly, and it's a surprising one: anywhere he goes, a restaurant, a shop, a public office or even on the street, the probability that he meets someone who can speak Italian is very high indeed. And we're not talking about those coming from Ticino, the Italian speaking part of the country, 100% Swiss from many generations, proud of their origins and in some cases not too fond of the Italians. These are real Zurichers, people who come from the German part of Switzerland. One has to remember that most of the Italian immigration to Switzerland took place between 1945 and 1975, mostly from the north until 1960 and from the south later on. Nowadays in Zurich those who will address you in Italian are the children or grandchildren of people who came from Italy, or sometimes there won't even be a drop of Italian blood flowing in their veins: they just learned the language at school, from their friends, on holiday or out of interest.
When my brother first told me these things I couldn't realize what the magnitude of the phenomenon was. I have met quite a few Argentines, Brazilians, Americas or Australians whose ancestors came from Sicily, Veneto or Marche. They have an Italian surname, maybe an Italian passport as well, but they can only speak a dozen words in Italian. When I got to Switzerland I soon realized that the situation in that country was very different indeed.

The excuse

Every Malaysian can speak Malay, the national language, as they learn it at school. A good share of the population can also speak English, even if they have never been to any English speaking country. Some of them do it perfectly, others might make a few grammatical and spelling mistakes but they can express themselves fluently and their comprehension skills are good. Depending on the ethnic group which they belong to then, many of them will also know Mandarin, Cantonese and Hokkien even if they haven't traveled to China, Hindi, Urdu, Tamil and Malayalam without having set foot in India. In Malacca there is even a community whose members can speak Portuguese without, of course, having ever lived in Portugal or one of its former colonies.
Italians can speak Italian and...that's it. Sometimes not even that well. Who has learned a foreign language has done it abroad, through the Erasmus program or by working at some restaurant in London, New York or Sydney, on their own accord and using their own funds. The English language lessons at school have turned out to be of little use. Of course Italy cannot be compared with Malaysia, a country with a totally different history and society. Yet it seems that something better could have been - and still can be - done about it.
One of the most widely used excuses to maintain the status quo is that our national language needs to be protected. Protected...from what kind of danger exactly? From the bad examples provided by most of the TV programs? From the increasing impoverishment of the vocabulary used at home, at work or at school? From the widespread habit of using the SMS contracted spelling standard - even when one is not writing a phone message - with the sudden and premature death of vowels and upper-case letters? Not at all...what it really needs protection from is the imaginary but potentially lethal invasion of the English language.
A false pride that the common citizens put on display in order to hide the embarrassment caused by ignorance and the laziness induced by the simple thought of learning a new language. Pride that on the other hand most of those who govern us will resort to in order to hide their lack of talent, creativity, initiative and ideas, but most of all to continue to devote themselves to their favorite hobby - the struggle for power and the accumulation of wealth and privileges - without any additional useless nuisance.
And if all the movies are dubbed and Robert De Niro keeps talking Italian, sometimes with the same voice as Al Pacino, well...who cares. It will not be a perfect solution, we won't be able to fully enjoy the artist's performance, but at least we can still understand the plot. And those fanatics who are interested in the original version can always watch it on a DVD. Or else try to read the actors' lips...

Abused Italian/3 - Miscellanea

A collection of common mistakes and misconceptions 

Pepperoni: peperoni (check its spelling) means "peppers', then someone added a "p" and they surprisingly turned into sausages.

Hawaiian pizza: alright Sir, and may I suggest a Norwegian reindeer tikka masala on the side?

Salami: it's plural. How many salami do you want to eat? A quarter salame is enough to get you pimples for a month...

Nutella and Rocher chocolates: they both are Italian products, brand names registered by Ferrero Company, Alba. It's true, you can read "Made in Australia" or "Made in USA" on some boxes : it's because Ferrero has some production plants in those countries as well. Your computers and phones are made in China, but they are still American, European or Japanese products, right?

Oil into the pasta pot: alright, but only if you use five to ten spoonfuls of a very high quality organic cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil! Come on, what a waste, you can save your oil: if you don't want your pasta to stick together you just need to stir it a couple of times.

Rolling spaghetti with fork and spoon: a spoon? Isn't the surface of the plate big enough?

Cooking time: some people check the cooking spaghetti by taking one out of the pot and throwing it at the wall. If it sticks to the tiles then it means they're ready. I could easily patronize them by pointing out that the cooking time is written on the pasta box, or that you can just taste a noodle and see if you like it, but this is such a funny procedure...

Read Abused Italian/1 here and Abused Italian/2 here.

Photo "Spaghetti indigesti", by Nardino (CC), from flickr

Abused Italian/2 - Coffee section

A collection of common mistakes and misconceptions 

Espresso: it should be very short and concentrated. It's served in a small cup and it only fills half of it. More than that and you might as well order a coffee soup. Espresso is very thick, creamy, kind of foamy on the surface. Italians normally gulp it down in few seconds at the counter, in the early morning or after lunch. It's true, sitting on a couch and reading a nice novel is way better. Yet, if you really want to chill out, why would you have an espresso, which means "fast"? 

Cappuccino: The amount of foam should just be the one that naturally flows from the milk kettle, it shouldn't be forced down with a spoon and it shouldn't make the top of the cup look like a Snow White dwarf hat. 

Macchiato: the name means "stained". It's simply an espresso with a small amount of milk on top (small amount really means small amount, otherwise they would have called it "drenched" or "soaked", not "stained"). Hot foamy milk for a macchiato caldo, cold milk for a macchiato freddo. 

Caramel macchiato: definitely a great drink...with the wrong name though.

Caffelatte: it's what kids drink at home in the morning. No bar owner would ever compromise the reputation of his/her joint by serving such a drink. It's made with a shot of coffee and a whole bowl of milk. Foam on it is as appropriate as an iceberg in the Gulf of Mexico. Cookies (biscotti) can be dipped into it. Very important...the name is caffelatte, no abbreviations: ask for a latte and you'll get a glass of plain milk. 

Frappuccino: a fine example of creative nomenclature. It's frappè (milk shake) + cappuccino. We have them both, but would rather die(t) than mix them in the same glass.

Barista: this is not just a guy who operates the coffee machine. We call that a technician. A barista is a barman, he/she serves soft drinks, beer, wine, spirits, sandwiches and salads. He chats with the customers and can attend the tables. Yes, it's true, a technician can also do all that...but it's still a different job. 

Coffee sizes: every drink only has one size, and it should satisfy an average grown up human being, not a whole pack of lions. There's no such a thing as grande (which means "large") or venti (which means "twenty"...twenty what by the way? A twenty-day-insomnia?!). Espresso and macchiato are served in a small cup, cappuccino in a bigger one. Caffelatte in a large bowl, and remember: only at home, never at the bar. That's it.

Timing: "cappuccino" and "breakfast" are nearly synonymous. If you order this drink in the evening the barista will put up a very dignified, proud and slightly offended expression, while with his arm fully outstretched he will be pointing at the door, expecting you to leave at once! If you dare order caffelatte instead, he will immediately call the cops. In Italy mafia bosses and corrupt politicians can get away with anything, but for he who insults the national cuisine there is NO mercy! 

Read "Abused Italian/1" here and "Abused Italian/3" here

Photo: banner in front of a cafe in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. By Fabio

Abused Italian/1 - Food section

A collection of common mistakes and misconceptions

Panini: the plural form of panino. Unlike ciabatta and focaccia this is not a type of bread, it simply means "sandwiches". If you really feel the urge to specify that your sandwich should be made with genuine sandwich bread - not with God only knows what other damned surrogate! - go ahead and ask for the panini-type of roll. The waiter will probably think that you are taking him for an idiot though. 

Linguini: wrong spelling. This sounds like your food is making cute faces at you. It's linguine, and it's pronounced with a "-eh" final sound. 

Fettuccini: this is linguini's partner in language blunders...it's fettuccine, also pronounced with a "-eh" final sound. 

Lasagna: the correct name is lasagne. Lasagna is singular and if you order that you might get a single miserable thin square of pasta on your plate. 

Spaghettis: the lasagne mistake in reverse. There's no final "s". Spaghetti is the plural form of spaghetto. Don't worry, they are not gonna serve you a single noodle in case you order spaghetti without the unnecessary "-s". 

Bruschetta: it's pronounced brusketta, not brushetta. If you order the latter they might show you pictures of a (in)famous mafia boss.

Garlic bread: we have garlic. We do have bread as well...and when we put them together we call it bruschetta. We already talked about that, remember? (You can find a post on garlic bread here.)

Grinding pepper on pasta: pepper...pepper? Did you really say pepper? It's cheese, cheeeese! Parmigiano Reggiano, Grana Padano or pecorino are all OK - not pepper! (On the subject of pepper on pasta you can read this.)

Pasta Alfredo: Pasta...what? Ohhh, I got it: you mean Alfredo Pasta...nothing to do with food, just the name of some guy!

Meatball pasta: you might as well put a slice of pineapple in your hamburger then.

Chicken pasta: pasta with...chicken? And how about a gourmet fish-head ice-cream as a dessert? 

Spaghetti Bolognese: even though this recipe comes from the city of Bologna, and it's called bolognese all over the world, the stubborn Italians insist on calling it ragù (alla bolognese). It's often served with egg-fettuccine or tagliatelle (remember that they end with "e", not "i"), rather than spaghetti (no final "s", thanks).

Read "Abused Italian/2" here and "Abused Italian/3" here

Photo of an Italian restaurant in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. By Fabio

Experiencing - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

The standard of English in Malaysia is excellent. Malaysians often prefer to speak English instead of Malay, Chinese or Tamil. But there is a temptation they can't resist: an unrestrained use of funny formalisms. The expression "experience" is one of the most abused. The specialties of a restaurant are neither tasted nor eaten, Malaysians prefer to experience them. They don't drink a milk shake, they try the experience of it. The same thing can happen for clean air in a coach, which they cannot simply manage to breath. Malaysians experience, they are a nation of empiricists: if Galileo were alive he would like to come here, to throw his weights from the Petronas towers.

Portrait of Galileo Galilei by Leoni (P.D.)